Goodbye '09, Hello 2010

Today is the last day of 2009, and i can say that i have learned alot about myself this year. Granted i have messed up a couple of times but i now learned that A) DO ME, because thats the only thing i know best. B) Dont put no dude on a pedestal. duh C) some people are only in your life for seasons, and some friendships are a lifetime. just cuz i dont talk to you everyday, doesn't mean i dont love or care bout you. D) People take shit for granted but when its gone they hella miss it. E ) Have tough skin -----my 106kmel family taught me well. I think God i have lifelong friends and mentors F) granny said "stop talking to these wack ass niggas who aint bout shit" ima finally listen to her because she is right. i need to find a "down" man, DONT BE CLINGY.... H) breaking in to a van in SF can provide heat at night (don't ask) I ) sometimes u have to do things you dont want to in order to do things that are good for you. J ) dont wait hand and foot on a person when they treat you like dog shit, K ) you dont have to go bad on everyone, everyone is not against, but still study a person"s character. ...... L ) If you see a nigga that u dont wanna talk to. a dude try to grab you in the club, dont smile , MOVE YOUR FEETS .. M) whatever you do, whereever you are, dont complain, HAVE FUN

I consider this year and this decade the biggest growth in my life. I have experienced a lot of trials and tribulation. My New Years Resolution for this year is to keep focusing on me. Keep following my dreams.

verbal vomit/ stream of consciousness part 2

WORD OF ADVICE ::::::::::::: I DONT DO DRAMA ::::::::::::::..... anymore. i never really understood the necessity of he say she say - middle man drama. Its not my steez. i'll give advice. I don't mind giving advice. However, don't involve me when i speak on the other person at all. Don't lie on me. I stay distant from people because I dont like messy stuff like that. I dont like being draggggggggggged in to other people's personal drama. People really need to learn how to do themselves. When you focus on yourself and the things you need to do you wont be concerned with petty bullshit. i personally dont concern myself with it because of the fact that i put ALL OF my energy into everything that i do, no matter what it is. if this was 14months ago, i would have honored this, and let it affect me, but its not. through out this year i have learned to focus on myself and other things to get me and the people that i love and want to succeed ahead. I have toldddddd people things i think they should do, because people have tolddddd and suggested things that i can do to fix myself as a person. I have taken some advice and thrown some advice to trash. I have learned through personal experiences that people dont want to be around others with hella drama. things do happened that are beyond your own personal control. Things that are in your personal control, you have to fix. communication is key in ANYTYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, FRIENDSHIP ETC. Stressing dumb shit isn't cute.

A word from CeCe

She makes a lot of sense for a young woman thats 18. I feel her point HIGHKEY.

verbal vomit/stream of consciousness part 1

i have been home for 6 months. Sometimes i wish i would have stayed in the bay, but i feel as if God brought me back to Inglewood for a reason. I dont know what that reason is. My female friends have grown distant. They have lives themselves, i've been gone for four years. I understand. All my friends have seem male. LOVE DUDES, but i do want female friends too. I am outta the LOOP. I don't even really have the "LA State of Mind" anymore. i live in a shell in Inglewood,and most of the time i kick it with an 84 yr old woman named Ruby Mae. She is cool and all, i just want to socialize with people my age. I know that i should be getting my life together, like everyone else is doing, and i shouldn't be even concern with this, until i'm settled, but you have to get out and play once and a while. when i DO go out, i have a ton of fun. thats not the problem. i am fine with being alone, but loneliness is awkward. I dont really know what i should do. idol minds are the devil's workshop, and i dont want to be associated with him.

Crawl......

After i ended my relationship of six years with my ex, BlackFace, almost a year ago, i have a new perspective of life. It ended on bad terms you can say. I've been a rebuilding state of mind. I have accomplished a lot in this year. I have graduated from Santa Clara, moved back home and am currently in the process of figuring out what i want to do with my life. During this whole time i have being focusing on me and my career but not what has been making me happy. I have dating, but i don't continue because i start to think i am psycho........ I DONT WANT TO BE THAT PSYCHO BLACK BITCH....... i cant be that. It stresses me out. With me not having a steady job i have to figure out what makes me happy. Life is about having fun. Soooooooooo im going to fix this. I have to relaxxxxxxxxxx. Relationships come with time . I dont want a relationship just to start right away. You should be friends in your relationship. I want to have a friend and a lover in my next relationship. im crawling ....

BAY vs LA

I will be graduating in less than a month from SCU. Although i am SOOOO HAPPY to GET the HELL up out of Santa Clara, i will miss the friends that i have made up here. I have learned so much from being in the Bay Area: from the business stand point (radio, film and promo), emotionally coming in to myself, scholastically and politically. Even though i come from the best city on the Left Coast, and maybe even the world, the Bay Area i called home for 4 years. I am saddened by the fact that i am leaving, but i will always cherish the fact that the people whom i call friends, acquaintances, strangers and even enemies i have learned from. I wish that i could stay longer, and i quite possibly could because i still have time, but these are just my thoughts at the time.

so i decided.....

every year, i always say that i would blog, but i never seem to have the time to. after much pondering i decided to make time. its a good excuse to procrastinate in my senior year at SCU, and probably a good stress reliever, and a way for me to write what i am thinking, since i hate keeping diaries and journals. it can possibly help me what i am going through . 

for the past few months i have learned that life is what you make it, and that you should not make people matter soo much in your lives that you lose yourself. i did that. i ended up shit creek without a paddle at the end of a five year relationship. i am now trying to find my way to a better me.